A confirmed

There is nothing I am sure of and nothing I am sorry about. I am not apologetic for saying no. I am not responsible for someone else’s fantasy. It is not my fault that someone was hurt; they ignored the reality of the situation. I know I did nothing wrong. Why then, do I feel like the train that ran over Bambi?

Just for laughs

Go ahead, let out a big one….

The other day while leaving work I made a small stop in the ladies room…nothing really noteworthy here except for this small unimportant event. As I was flushing the toilet and leaving the stall I grabbed my bag off the hook on the door and thought something went flying. As I looked back at the toilet I thought, what just went flying? So I looked in my bag and saw all my keys and that random note to myself but no cell phone. Where could it have gone, are you getting this yet? Cell phones can be flushed down toilets in hospitals. I am not sure if it is the extra strength flush or if any toilet will work, but I will tell you that they go all the way down!

Wonder if the alligators know how to dial, those teenage mutant ninja turtles may start making long distance phone calls….hmm…better cancel the phone service!

The pies have it

It is November. An exciting month for North Americans, well the ones who live in the 50 stars and stripes anyway, Thanksgiving, ooh aahhh. Can you all tell how I am looking forward to the turkey fest. Here is the low down on my families celebration of gastronomical gluttony, where to start though?

The turkey trot is a 10k ‘fun run’ that my brother drags us to every year, although I manage to sleep through it most years. It begins the day at about 5:30 when we head downtown to Detroit in the freezing cold. The run is along the parade route where people begin to gather at about 6am to see half dressed cheerleaders, marching bands as they, and of course the floats and giant turkey balloon (yes I am purposefully leaving out the big man in red). After this fun filled frigid adventure the crew comes back to the neighborhood to veg and eat before running off to a football game they know we will loose, the Lions are not a great football team.

While all this goes on I slave away, albeit by choice, in the kitchen to bake pies. Yes I make them from scratch, the pumpkin comes out of a vegetable and not a can (or is it a fruit?), and the apples are sliced and spiced by my own two hands. The dough, which often makes me want to throw my hands up in frustration, is never the same from year to year as my dough recepies never last a year. I’m not sure why this happens, I don't alter the recipes, but at some point around August the recipe that I have had great success with for months begins to implode, and no it is not attractive.

I do this by choice, I enjoy the aggravation and process of making things that will be eaten and enjoyed by those whom I care for. So what is different this year? They don’t want my pies. While this should not devastate me, it does. Here is the reason; my family and I have almost nothing in common. For years I have been the odd man out, the one no one understands. Now I am religious while my family is not. They cannot understand what has become of their liberal speaking free spirited family member. I keep telling them I'm still here, but they don't seem to believe me, and yes I am slightly less liberal than I was, but hey who would not choose the republicans over the democrats at least ¼ of the times?

The one thing I bring to the feast, one I cannot partake of, is the dessert. It is my only contribution to this otherwise torturous event. The meal is a roast where everyone is given a turn in the hot seat and my turn seems to outlast everyone else’s. Why do I go? I hate the event. It makes me nuts year after year. Oh I forgot to mention people come in from out of state and country for the turkey. It is the event of the year; only this year they want nothing from me. They want my presence as the butt of the jokes and as a punching bag, but not what I can give them. This year I will be bringing nothing, my pies will go unmade and my one contribution to this family gathering is no longer wanted.
Happy thanksgiving everyone.

The 4 am wake up call

I woke up at 4 am with a scream in my throat. I am to old to have nightmares; nightmares that wake you up with a scream locked in your throat. The type of scream that leaves your throat raw and feeling closed off. I was being eaten alive, and no not by Alsatians, I was being eaten alive by vampires. The blood sucking type that drain you until there is only a drop left and then make you drink of them so you become a living demon with no choice but to kill others to feed. They call it a living death right? I woke up thinking he, the vampire, was feeding off of me as if I was a well-cooked steak. I woke with a scream trapped in my mind. I lay in bed thinking, this is not real and I aught to shut my imagination off. I stared at the ceiling feeling the back of my neck for holes or blood. I looked at the window and thought, I am so glad they cannot get in without an invitation.
As I kept going over the dream and thinking, Buffy and I parted ways many years ago. Then I started wondering, does a Mogen Dovid (Star of David) work the same way a cross does? If holy water can burn them, then if I am making a shehakol over a cup will it do the same thing? I pondered all of these things while trying to figure out if I had any type of wooden stake in my house. Wonder what Jung or Freud would say?
I wonder what will eat me this evening, will I escape? Will I survive?

Non-observant Jews and the non-Jews who marry them…

So what am I supposed to say when I find out a chick in my class is married to a Jew and her mother in law is giving her a hard time about the fact that she is not Jewish??? I make no secret of the fact that I am an observant Jew, very hard to hide when you are freaking out trying to finish all your work on non-existent weekends due to Yom Tovim (holidays).
I admit sometimes I will be in your face, when you are being inappropriate or saying things that are blatantly false I will call you on it, no we do not make matzos out of blood!!!! But how to deal with the every day?
When I found out about the intermarriage I said something along the lines of the in-law wanting to have Jewish grandchildren and since the religion goes through the mother she is upset and coming to terms with it, was this the wrong thing to say? I was not being confrontational just trying to point out what is probably going on in her mother-in-law's head. Should I have kept my mouth shut?
How about the brother’s girlfriend, what am I supposed to say to him. He gets annoyed when I ignore her; well I was not ignoring her only greeting my grandpa and aunt first, what is wrong with that? I talk to her when we are in the same room and all that, I’m not rude, well perhaps the better way to say it is I am polite! He knows how I feel, he has known how I felt for years now, why is it always such a surprise to him when he asks and I tell? The answer does not change. For a smart guy he is acting stupid. He always thinks mom would have sided with him, here is my proof… in her letter to us, the one we received a year after her death, she said that we should both marry someone Jewish. Ummmm, your so right A she would back you up 100%!!!!
Ok, I am taking a deep breath. Oh by the way I hope everyone had a meaningful and worthwhile fast!

what was that

Am I supposed to feel desirable??? A guy driving a truck came along side of me the other day, on the highway no less, and we were all going about 65 to 70 mph. He then tried to get my phone number. Was I supposed to feel powerful or disturbed?

Pride and Prejudice

Does any one ever wonder what happened to Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy after the wedding? I wonder how many children they had and if they were in love with each other until they died. I wonder if he ever got so bothered by his mother in laws idiot ways and father in laws uncouth manner that he just went over the edge. I can see it now, the unknown ruin of one of England’s best-loved and wealthiest families. Do you think Jane and Mr. Bingly ever acted with spite? What kind of name is Fitzwilliam?? Who names their son Fitzwilliam? Is Mrs. Bennet truly a heroic character or is she an annoying comic relief? Why is it that this story is a favorite, of mine at least, that I can reread almost daily. It is the greatest love story. What about Lady Kathryn De’Burgh, she is such a tough nut…makes you want to run up and do childish things in her face. I often wonder what happens to Mr. Collins and his wife, whose name alludes me at present. She definitely wears the pants in that relationship. Here is another random thought, why does a story that I know nearly by heart still make me so happy when I read it? It feels like I am sitting down to tea with old friends when I pull it off the bookshelf.